Waiting for the Goddamned Mortgage

In Medias Res

Nov. 30 2:04 p.m. Your attorney asks the banker if there is anything else she can do to help him clear the file.

Nov. 30: 2:01 p.m. Banker says they have everything.

Nov. 30 6:19 p.m. Banker emails asking for documentation about the name of the person who will represent the co-op and authorization that they can do so.


Nov. 30 6:29 Your attorney writes back saying she had sent a draft of this and never received confirmation if it was fine, so it wasn’t sent for final signatures.

Nov. 30 7:48 Banker writes back saying he had already confirmed that the draft was okay and needs it signed ASAP.

Dec. 1 9:13 a.m. Attorney sends the signed copy of whatever. Requests that we decide on a closing date since the seller’s attorney is leaving soon and the co-op’s attorney has limited availability and needs ample notice for scheduling.

[Closing stays unscheduled. Everyone waits on stage. A plaintive note hovers in the air. Someone is heard sobbing.]

Dec. 1 5:18 p.m. Broker emails banker asking for an update.

Dec. 2 11:29 a.m. Banker informs him that the commitment letter was received and explains that we are waiting for the appraiser’s report.

Dec. 4 1:15 p.m. Appraiser’s report arrives in secure e-mail.


Dec. 4  3:00 p.m. You email banker to say thanks and ask if you need to log into the secure message sent by the loan officer if you’ve already signed the three-day waiting period waiver. He says he has the waiver in the file.

[Closing stays unscheduled. Someone is tearing their hair out. Characters on stage appear motionless. A clock is heard ticking.]

Dec. 8 6:03 p.m. Loan processor emails saying the underwriter can’t read the contract because it’s blurry. File can’t be cleared without a better copy.


Dec. 8 6:16 p.m. Banker re-sends the message. You know, just in case you didn’t reach the depths of despair the first time.

Dec. 9 8:21 a.m. You email the broker asking him to obtain a clean copy from the co-op’s management office since you think your lawyer has the same blurry copy sent to the bank.

Dec. 9 8:58 a.m. You see with relief that your lawyer has obtained and sent a clear copy of the contract to the banker.

Dec. 9 9:36 a.m. You realize that your name is misspelled on the new, clear copy.


Dec. 9 10:05 a.m. Lawyer re-sends the copy with your name spelled correctly. You email to thank her and request that she makes sure your name is spelled correctly and uniformly on all documents. [Chekov’s gun?]

[Closing stays unscheduled. Characters appear to be asleep but one is running around in circles.]

Dec. 10 11:23 a.m. You email the loan processor asking for an update.  Explain that you need this done if the closing has any chance of being scheduled before the seller’s attorney and you leave town.

Dec. 10 11:25 a.m. Banker emails to say that we have the clearance to close and attorneys must talk to each other to schedule the date.

Dec. 10 11:32 a.m. Loan processor emails to say that the closing clearance is now issued but you must keep an eye out for the Closing Disclosure notice that she will send through the secured email account; you must read this at least three days prior to the closing. She hopes to have that notice out later in the day.

Dec. 11 11:18 a.m. You haven’t received the notice, natch. You email the loan processing officer (even though she is not working today) and CC her colleague, her supervisor, and the banker.

Dec. 11 11:59 a.m. The banker emails your attorney asking for the closing to be scheduled. Dramatic irony.

Dec. 11 12:02 p.m. The loan processor’s colleague writes back saying that the notice is held up because the bank attorney is missing some figures, and the remaining attorneys need to coordinate to figure them out. Only then can the notice be generated. How many attorneys does it take to…


[Closing stays unscheduled. A character has a new gray wig. Her walk has slowed. She moves as if in pain.]

Dec. 13 11:01 a.m. You reply to the banker and CC your lawyer and the broker asking for some movement on the process.

Dec. 13 12:23 p.m. The broker says the attorneys need to arrange the closing date and reminds us that the co-op’s attorney needs to be notified soon because s/he needs to prepare the co-op’s documents.

Dec. 13 12:25 p.m. Your attorney responds that the scheduling is being held up because the co-op’s attorney hasn’t obtained some signatures from the co-op board and there is no way to speed that up. She says she’ll talk to the seller’s attorney about who will cover for him when he leaves on vacation–in a day.

Dec. 14 1:24 p.m. Your attorney emails to say that closing has been scheduled for the following week. Dec. 22. Bring money and ID.

[A character erupts with uncouth cheering,


then empties pockets and looks subdued.]

Dec. 14 4:04 p.m. You call and arrange to have your internet cancelled the following week. Also, the gas and the electricity.

Dec. 14 6:15 p.m. You email the loan processor asking about the disclosure notice, since it must be received and read three days before a closing.


Dec. 15 2:14 p.m. The broker writes asking when you want to do the walkthrough (a pre-closing check of the property to verify that there are no glaring structural or cosmetic problems). You ask the lawyer’s office, which recommends the day before, or the morning of, the closing. You settle on the day before.

[No Disclosure notice arrives. A character checks a phone every two seconds.]


Dec. 16. You arrange for funds to be ready for withdrawal from a bank account without running afoul of “minimum balance” rules. You also call moving companies and look for quotes to move boxes and boxes of books and assorted nonsense. You talk to your landlady about her crazy notice of “Damaged Property” that claims you have vacated and damaged her apartment and will therefore lose a portion of your security deposit. You write back refuting the claim–since you still live in the apartment, she has not seen it in a year, and it is not damaged.

[No Disclosure notice arrives. A character keeps checking a phone and occasionally scribbles on a paper.]

Dec. 17 a.m. You pack your books and donate clothes and shoes that you should not carry around any longer.

Dec. 17 4:03 p.m. You email your attorney to find out what name should go on the official bank check you must get to pay the remaining costs at closing. You also ask her if you should nudge the loan processor about the missing Disclosure notice.

Dec. 17 6:25 p.m. She replies that you must receive it by the next day if we are to still close as scheduled. You try without much success to sleep on this.

Dec. 18 9:00 a.m. You text the banker asking about the notice.

Dec. 18 10:25 a.m. You ask the attorney if she knows whether the notice is being held up for the same reason as before. (Cf. Dec. 11 12:02 p.m.)

Dec. 18 10:31 a.m. She replies in the negative–the bank attorney has the numbers and has informed her that he will send the disclosure by the end of the day.

Dec. 18 11:29 a.m. You email a reminder about the notice to the loan processor.

Dec. 18 12:21 p.m. The banker calls you to say that the disclosure will be ready by the end of the day. Also, he will not be at the closing.

Dec. 18 1:00 p.m. The loan processor says she’s following up on the notice.

Dec. 18 1:34 p.m. A secure message arrives with the Closing Disclosure notice.

[A character lies down for a full minute. Everyone else keeps walking around.]


Dec. 18 2:03 p.m. You read the notice and tell the attorney that the seller appears to be asking you to pay the maintenance for the full month of December. She replies that he will pay you back for the first 21 days. The notice also does not include half the transfer taxes you have agreed to pay, so you actually owe even more money than listed.

Dec. 18 8:00 p.m. You look for another moving quote–from “College Educated movers”

Dec. 19 10:45 a.m. Not having heard back, you call them and they ask you to send another request. You go back and forth on the details before you agree on the date and time of the move. You think “Yes, let’s go.”

[And scene.]

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