As I’ve done once before, it is time to add some vinegar to the sugary gushing that I usually do about life in NYC. So here goes:
10. Times Square. When I end up here through some mistake of my directionally-challenged brain or because of subway closures, my heart sinks. The militant crowds of tourists and the sadness that is consumer capitalism is a devastating combination guaranteed to shred your soul.
9. Lack of Cape Cod potato chips. I have no idea why I don’t see these in every grocery store/pharmacy/convenience store. Purple Terra chips and unsweetened plantain chips can only go so far.
8. Traffic noise. To live here is to be whittled down bit by bit under the cacophony that is cop cars, ambulances, and fire trucks. Bonus misery if you live/work near the subway, especially the elevated trains.
7. Traffic. I’ve been on buses that took fifteen minutes to go four blocks because, apart from there being parking on both sides of the street, cars and delivery trucks have double-parked at strategic distances from each other on opposite sides, forcing the bus to thread itself through a snake-like path.
6. Machines that give/take stuff and the people who can’t work them, resulting in crazy, long lines.
This includes, but is not limited to, ATMS, subway ticket kisoks, post office drop boxes, secure lobby entrances, paper towel dispensers in bathrooms, motion-sensitive faucets, and water fountains.
5. The post office. Someone needs to tell the postal service that the reason they’re in the red is that NYC post offices are overrrun by folks who just want to talk to another person and therefore take 15 minutes to post a letter. Sad face.
4. Hipster parents. These souls move to “diverse” neighborhoods so the fruit of their loins can run other denizens down on their scooters–to which the mom/dad respond with stern lectures. E.g. “Oliver/Mia, what was the discussion we had earlier about how far you could go down the sidewalk by yourself? Oliver/Mia? Oliver/Mia!” Meanwhile, everyone nearby is nursing bruised toes and murderous thoughts.
3. People who go around blind corners of subway stairs on the wrong side. Stay to the right, you animal.
2. Citibikes. FFS.
Still Williamsburg. At least until the L train shuts down.
1. Bushwick. Because.